Andy Riley | misterandyriley.com

How To Talk Comedy Writer – Updated!

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A couple of years ago, I put together a list of weird little bits of terminology that comedy writers use. Only a few of these can be found in books about writing – most are terms that have grown out of writers’ rooms, email exchanges, and talking shop in the pub. Some are in wide use: others used by literally only a couple of people. I’ve just been told a lot more of them so the list has grown, a lot. Please enjoy.

Langdon - a joke construction named after the writer John Langdon, who loves to write them. The stages of a Langdon are: (i) two elements are introduced. (ii) It appears that we’re continuing to talk about one of those elements in particular… (iii) but then it turns out we were talking about the other one. A 1980s-style example should make it clear. “Ronald Reagan met a chimpanzee today. The simple, gibbering creature… was delighted to meet a chimp.” Pete Sinclair tells me he’s been using that example to explain Langdons since it was current. And he likes to get at least one Langdon a week into Have I Got News For You.

The Yes (No) – via Ian Martin. A dialogue trick he picked up from Tony Roche, Simon Blackwell and Jesse Armstrong while writing for The Thick Of It. The character says yes but the in-parenthesis says no. So we know that they know they’re lying. A: “You didn’t lose those figures, did you?” B: (yes) “No.”

Send that through to Wording – When you’re writing in a room and you’ve collectively got the shape and structure and comic idea of a gag or scene in place, but it needs writing up/rewriting. Via Simon Blackwell, used while on the Have I Got News For You team. Simon likes the idea of there being a separate Wording department, probably paid less than the writers.

Lightning Rod – a joke put into a script which is deliberately controversial, tasteless or offensive, and designed to attract discussion and worry from producers, executives and (in the US) the Standards and Practices department. The lightning rod will be fretted over and eventually dropped, which is fine… because its true purpose was to deflect attention from another, only slightly less offensive joke which you really want to make it through. Jason Hazeley calls the same thing a ‘Queen Mum’, derived from a joke about the Queen Mother being pregnant which Chris Morris put in a Brasseye script as a hostage to fortune. [via Ed Morrish]

The Tesbury Rule – don’t confect an unconvincing commercial brand name in a script when you mean, for example, Tesco or Sainsbury; it weakens the gag. [via Jason Hazeley]

Gags Beasley – a useful name to invoke when a script needs some solid boffo old-school punchlines. As in “Paging Gags Beasley” or “Can we get a Gags Beasley pass?” It’s derived from the name of Fozzie Bear’s joke writer, who was occasionally mentioned, but never seen, in the Muppet Show. [via Sarah Morgan]

Fish Business – a quick set up, so the story hits the ground running. Invented by Laurel & Hardy. They begin Towed in the Hole, 1932, with the line ‘For the first time in our lives we’re a success – nice little fish business, and making money.’ Hollywood seized on this and throughout the 30’s and 40’s producers would throw first drafts across their desks at writers snarling ‘needs better fish business.’ [via Julian Dutton]

Eating The Sandwich – an expression used by Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain, inspired by a memorably bad scene they read in a script once: a character drugged a sandwich with some sleeping pills and while on the way to deliver it, forgot, took an absent-minded bite, and passed out. Any time a character seems to be directly causing their own problems in a rather contrived way, they’re ‘eating the sandwich.’ More external pressure is needed to make them do something funny.

Gorilla – a plot point or joke which the audience will remember after the show is finished. Any given show would benefit from one of these. Derived (it’s thought) from a theatre piece where a gorilla appeared at a very pleasing point, so everyone went home talking about the gorilla. For writers, it’s worth bearing in mind that some of the greatest gorillas in British sitcom – Brent’s dance, Fawlty thrashing the car, Del falling through the bar and Granddad dropping the wrong chandelier – are primarily visual experiences, not dialogue-based. [via the Dawson Bros, Gareth Edwards and Stephen McCrum]

Factory Nudgers – what the great (sadly late) writer Laurie Rowley called memorable comedy moments. The principle being that if a bit in a show was sufficiently funny, people at work the next day would nudge each other to quote or re-enact it. So more or less like the gorilla, but harking back to a pre-video age where Britain watched the same shows at the same time, and there were a lot of factories. Laurie had a strong Yorkshire accent, so imagine how great it sounded when he said ‘factory nudgers.’ [via Alan Nixon]

Vomit Draft – AKA ‘Puke Draft’ AKA ‘Draft Zero’ – The very very first draft of a script, which is almost certainly not shown to anyone. It’s invariably full of typos, misfired jokes and logical flaws. Only when the writer has cleaned it up a bit can she/he bear to send it to the producer. This is in quite common use. But Katy Brand has a different meaning. Her Vomit Draft is the second one; based on the Biblical saying from Proverbs verse 26, ‘as a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.’ Not a bad description of the rewriting process.

Red Dot – named after Apple’s tamper-proofing. Adding a reference to someone – e.g. a minor character name – to check that person has really read the script. [via Jim Field Smith]

Detonator Word – the key word that reveals the joke – which should be as close to the end of the punchline as is linguistically possible. [via John O’Farrell]

Scales – the first hour or so on a writing session, when everyone’s flexing their muscles, usually with the most inappropriate and unbroadcastable material. [via Jason Hazeley]

Turd in a Slipper – a joke which feels good, but isn’t really any good. [via Judd Apatow]

Jazz Trumpetry – the extra, unneeded punchline that comes after the punchline you should’ve finished a sketch or scene on. It comes from the Brain Surgeon sketch which the Dawson Brothers wrote for Mitchell and Webb. The original draft was road-tested at (they think) London’s tiny Hen and Chickens theatre, where they had a joke where a rocket scientist comes in and says “Brain Surgery? Not exactly Rocket Science.” Big laugh. But they’d written an extra line after that, where a Jazz trumpeter comes in and finishes his line with “Rocket Science? That’s not exactly Jazz Trumpetry.” It tickled them to write it, but at the test out night, no laugh at all. So Jazz Trumpetry was cut from the final sketch that got on air – and ever since, has been the Dawson Bros’ shorthand for misjudged bonus punchlines. [via Andrew Dawson]

Bananas on Bananas – similar to Jazz Trumpetry. Trying to top a punchline with another punchline right after it, and another, and another. Sometimes this might be great – but when it’s not, and the result is just tiring to watch/read/listen to, then you’ve got Bananas on Bananas. [via James Bachman and Simon Blackwell]

Jengags – as in ‘Jenga gags’, i.e. too many gags piled on top of each other. Same thing, really, as Bananas on Bananas. [via Laurence Rickard]

Jenga Jokes – same meaning as Jengags. This version used by Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. [via Alice Lowe]

Load Bearing Pun – one word carrying the whole damn misunderstanding. [via Al Murray]

Character Gibbons – when writing for Green Wing, Oriane Messina and Fay Rusling talked about ‘character gibbons’, which are basically ‘givens’ but misheard early on in their careers as gibbons. They still refer to the gibbons when developing scenes, character, plot etc. [via Oriane Messina]

Malt Shop – when me and Kevin Cecil were starting out and didn’t know fancy words like ‘epilogue,’ this was how we talked about the short scene at the end of a story when the climax has passed, a couple of loose ends are tied up, there is a final joke, and then that’s the end. It’s from the first few series of Scooby Doo, when the gang typically ended up in the malt shop at the end of each episode. We still use this word all the time, in preference to epilogue.

Mururoa – a subject that you just can’t write a gag about because the word itself just won’t sit within the rhythm of a joke. This one’s from John O’Farrell. When he was writing comedy monologues in the 90s, there was an ongoing news story about the French doing nuclear tests on Mururoa Atoll, but he discovered that the place name just has all the wrong letters to be used in a punchline (i.e. the opposite of Cockermouth).

Gag desert – the bit of comedy script which goes on for too long without a joke. [via John O’Farrell]

Group 4 – a subject that is held in such public ridicule that just mentioning it in a topical show can get you a big laugh. Group 4 Security used to get this reaction on Have I Got News For You in the 90s, as did the M25. In the run-up to the 2012 Olympic Games, it was the G4S security firm (AKA the renamed Group 4). Going back to the early 90s, Ratners (the jewellery shop) was the comedy touchstone. Still further back in the late 70s/early 80s, it was British Rail, and even more specifically, the British Rail pork pie. Group Fours which never seem to go away: Pot Noodle, and Sting’s tantric sex. [via John O’Farrell]

Grand Maison – something you’ve made up for the sake of the punchline. In one sense, everything in a script is a Grand Maison; but the term is just used to describe the moments when it feels forced and contrived. From a sketch containing the following exchange:
BARISTA: And would you like that piccolo, medio, or Grand Maison?
CUSTOMER: Grand Maison? That sounds like a big French house!
This comes via Ed Morrish, heard from Jon Hunter. Dan Harmon has a similar term: Monopoly Guy. He derives this from the second Ace Ventura film, where Ace insults a man who just happens to look like the Monopoly guy by calling him ‘Monopoly guy.’

Logic Police – when there is a logical flaw in a script which is significant enough to cause problems, somebody – an actor, producer, director, script editor, or the writer him/herself – must appoint themselves the ‘logic police’ and point it out. It’s no fun, being logic police; your intervention might mean junking a joke, a scene, or even a whole storyline which people like. It’s an ugly but necessary job.

The F***ing Crowbar – cramming in an F-bomb before the final word(s) of a punchline for added pizzazz. Normally effective, but a soft indicator that the joke isn’t one of the best. [via @smilingherbert]

Garden Birds – denotes an unnecessary bit of explanation after the punchline has been delivered and everyone has got the gag. John O’Farrell’s grandfather had a pre-war joke book, with one tortuous tale about an outraged radio listener writing to the BBC after he’d heard the phrase ‘tits like coconuts.’ The BBC’s reply informed him that if he’d continued listening he would have heard ‘while sparrows like breadcrumbs for the talk had been of garden birds’. The laugh is on ‘breadcrumbs’, you don’t need to explain any further.

Baroqueney – pronounced ‘baroque-knee.’ A combination of ‘baroque’ and ‘cockney.’ This is a style of dialogue which came riding hard into British cinema at the end of the nineties, in the films Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Gangster No.1 and Sexy Beast. Cockney villain talk, but full of as many interesting verbal images, surprising similes and inventive insults as you can cram in. Me and Kevin Cecil parodied it when writing the part of the East End Thug, a part played by Alan Ford in The Armando Iannucci Shows. The Fast Show did a great spoof of it too, called ‘It’s a Right Royal Cockney Barrel Of Monkeys.’

Ruffle – an aspect of a joke (a name, or reference) which is getting in the way and making things less clear. In the script editing process for the BBC2 chef comedy ‘Whites’, there was a reference to a character called Jamie, which made you think of Jamie Oliver. That was a ruffle, so it went. [Via Simon Blackwell]

Bicycle cut – aka the bicycle joke, or a ‘Last Of The Summer Wine.’ A character ends a scene by firmly stating that they will not do a certain thing – for example, riding a bike. The next scene begins with that character doing that thing. Roy Clarke wrote tons of these for Compo in Last of the Summer Wine. “You’re not getting me in that thing with wheels and no brakes!” Cut to Compo, poised to go downhill in that thing with wheels and no brakes. Dave Gorman calls the same thing the B.A. Baracus, as in “I ain’t gettin’ in no plane!”… cut to B.A. in a plane. [via Graham Linehan]

Gilligan Cut – a common American term for the bicycle cut. Derived from ‘Gilligan’s Island.’ The term Gilligan Cut is never used in the UK because Gilligan’s Island has only been shown very rarely, and even then not in all regions of the country.

Foggy Says He Knows The Way – a joke construction, something like the mirror image of the bicycle cut. In the nineties, when Kevin Cecil and I were writing for The Saturday Night Armistice (AKA the first series of The Friday Night Armistice), we spent a couple of days working in a room normally used by the production team of Last Of The Summer Wine. The best known story from that week has been related by Armando Iannucci in interviews from time to time. A large board was covered with cards detailing Summer Wine plots; Foggy does this, Compo does that. I began adding cards with scenes like ‘Compo bursts puppy with cock’ and ‘Compo finds the body of a child in a burned-out car.’ But I also remember two cards in particular (not ones I added); ‘Foggy says he knows the way,’ followed by the scene ‘Foggy gets lost.’ For me this encapsulated a very elemental comic building block. Character confidently says they can do something; character tries but fails to do that thing. Most scripts, somewhere in them, have a ‘Foggy says he knows the way’ bit.

The Deja Vu Closer - – referring to the subject of a joke earlier in the set within the final joke. A stand up tool, more than a scriptwriting one. [via @SmilingHerbert]

Chutney – stuff that characters are saying in the background, which you don’t normally add into the script until very late because it’s not material which needs jokes. Writing for Veep, chutney often takes the form of perfectly serviceable political speeches, while the real funny material is going on amongst other characters in the foreground. I don’t know if this term exists outside the Veep/Thick Of It writing team.

Scud – a joke that ends up getting the wrong target. E.g. “the energy companies have done some truly appalling things– one of them based itself in Newport.” The punchline is saying that Newport is shit, and not saying anything about the energy companies. Named after the outdated and inaccurate Soviet missile used by Iraq during the 1991 Gulf war. [Via Pete Sinclair]

Lampshading – addressing a flaw, recurring trope or plot hole by having a character point it out. There’s a nice example of lampshading in the book of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Just after Violet Beauregarde has been maimed by Wonka’s chewing gum, and the oompa loompas have sung about what a terrible thing chewing gum is, one of the parents asks Wonka: if it’s so bad, why are you making it? Wonka gives a short evasive answer, then the story moves briskly on. [via David Simpkin]

Frampton Comes Alive – in a sitcom written by Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis, the script editor wanted them to change a reference to Pete Frampton’s ‘Frampton Comes Alive’ (as an embarrassing album to have owned) to ‘Saturday Night Fever.’ So Steve and Hugh use it to mean a situation when a niche example will be really funny, but only to a small number of people, as opposed to a mainstream example which everyone will know, but which isn’t funny.

F.I.T.O. – stands for ‘Funny In The Office’ – a joke that gets a big laugh at the read-through in the production company, but only because of some in-joke or particular reference that won’t play outside the room. [via John O’Farrell]

Two Sock – when you find yourself using two jokes/motivations/expositions, when only one is necessary. [via Kieron Quirke]

Hat On A Hat – this is in very common use in the USA, and has a similar yet subtly different meaning to ‘Two Sock.’ A Hat On A Hat is an occasion where two funny things are happening at the same moment in the script, or immediately adjacent moments, and those two comic ideas are each distracting from the other. The solution is normally simple: remove one of them.

North by Northwest Gag – Prop introduced at beginning of scene, which stays in shot. Later used to pay off a joke after audience have accepted, then forgotten, its presence. [via @richardosmith1]

Fridge – the piece of paper, noticeboard, book or computer file where you put the jokes you cut for whatever reason, but which may work in another time and place. ‘Fridge’ came from Gareth Edwards, but lots of writers have different names for the same thing. Sarah Morgan has a ‘bottom drawer.’ Dave Cohen has a ‘shoebox.’ Greg Daniels calls it ‘the sweetie bag.’ When writing “In The Loop,” Tony Roche, Simon Blackwell and Jesse Armstrong called theirs ‘the fun bucket.”

Doofer – Paul Bassett Davies says his mother and her friends used this word in the second world war, to describe a saved half-smoked cigarette that will ‘do for later.’ For Paul, it’s a gag he’ll use later. So, a good example of the sort of thing you’d put in the Fridge (see above).

The Restaurant on the Corner – (American) – a bit in a script where no matter what joke you put there, its still never quite works. Also called a ‘Bono’, after a restaurant opened by Sonny Bono in West Hollywood. It shut quickly, as did every other restaurant which opened on the same spot. Writers working nearby decided the corner must be cursed. If you have a Bono in a script, it will be a gradual realisation, because it always feels like something SHOULD work there, and you might try a dozen or more things before the truth dawns. You can only deal with a Bono by taking apart and rebuilding a larger section around it – probably the whole scene, maybe even a bit more. [via Dave Cohen]

Killing Kittens – removing jokes which you really love, because they’re getting in the way of the story. [Chris Addison]. Also known as ‘stripping the car.’ [Joel Morris]

Bucket – strong, simple idea to contain all the nonsense you want to put in. ‘Parody of air disaster film’ is a great bucket. [Joel Morris]. Not related to ‘fun bucket.’

Oxbow Lake – the rewriting process produces these. A bit in a script which used to have some plot/character importance, but as the story has changed around it, no longer has a purpose. You have to remove it on the next draft. Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong use this term. Me and Kevin Cecil call them ‘hangovers.’

Rabbit hole – a fact you check on the Internet and that’s the rest of the morning gone. [John Finnemore]

Joke Impression – a line that sounds like a joke, and has the rhythms of a joke, but isn’t actually a joke. Also known as ‘hit and run’, ‘joke-like substance’ or ‘Jokoid’ [John Vorhaus, from his very good primer ‘The Comic Toolbox’]. A joke impression has its uses. When you are thundering down a first draft, and are more concerned about the overall structure than individual jokes, you can slot in a few joke impressions at spots in the script where a good joke is hard, in the full knowledge you can come back later and fix them. I’ve been told of a more aggressive use for them too. I was told that when Jim Davidson knows one of his writers will be in the audience, he picks out one joke which is clearly a dud, a joke impression, and tells the writer he’s going to deliver it anyway and make the audience laugh – even though it doesn’t make any sense. The subtext: Jim is saying “I’m the one who brings the magic, not you.”

Fridge joke AKA ‘Refridgerator Logic’ – related to the joke impression. The audience realise they laughed at something that didn’t actually make sense, but much later, when they are (for example) getting something from the fridge. [via David Tyler]

On The Nose – very widely used, this one. A line which is on the nose is just too clumsily obvious, too direct, and lacks subtext.

Gerbeau – a joke that literally nobody but you is going to get, but it does no damage, so it stays in. Derived from “please yourself,” which shortens to ‘P .Y.’, Which then becomes Gerbeau after P.Y. Gerbeau, the guy who ran the millennium dome. The term Gerbeau is itself a nice example of a Gerbeau. [Via Joel Morris]

Two Percenter – similar to the Gerbeau. Only two percent of your audience will get it. [via Jane Espenson and Dave Cohen]

Plotential – and the idea or situation which has the potential to be developed into a full-blown plot. As in “does this idea have plotential?” [via Sam Bain – though he does stress that he and Jesse Armstrong are mostly taking the piss when they say this in conversation]

Nakamura – The most nightmarish of writer’s problems. It’s when there’s a huge issue with a script which effectively means that the whole thing is holed below the waterline. This derives from the writing team for The Odd Couple, who once hinged a storyline on the highly doubtful premise that the name ‘Doctor Nakamura’ was intrinsically hilarious. Come the day of the record, the studio audience sat silently through all the Nakamura material.

Nunya – a work at an embarrassingly unready stage. If anybody asks about it, you say “nunya business.”

Cut and Shut – a term borrowed from the motor trade (welding two halves of two cars together). This refers to a conceit which is essentially two normally incompatible ideas, bolted together. An example: Big Train’s cattle auction, where they are not cattle, they are new romantics. (via Jason Hazeley)

Frankenstein Draft – a script that suffers over time from bolting on too many slavishly implemented notes.

Frankenstein (verb) – Joining already-written scenes together in a highly inelegant way. You know it’s not pretty, but it’s a temporary tool which might give you some idea how the completed sequence might work. Frankensteining is very common when writing animated movies, in which the scripting is often done alongside storyboarding. [Andy Riley]

Pitcheroo – anything which reads well in a pitch document or story outline, which you know won’t quite hold water when you are writing the actual script. But very handy if you’re up against it time wise, and you need to convey what it is you’re intending to write, but you haven’t got the hours to crack every single story beat. An example might be “They escape from the party, and then…” How do they escape from the party? Won’t they need an excuse, or will they climb out the window? Who knows? You know you’ll need to cover that in the end, but so long as it’s followed up with a funny idea in the second half of that sentence, you can get away with it for now. Because most people read pitches and story outlines much too fast, effective pitcheroos are never spotted. [Andy Riley/Kevin Cecil]

Gooberfruit – when you’re a British writer, and you’re writing a script set in America with American characters, some words need to change. Some of them everybody knows; lift becomes elevator, pavement becomes sidewalk. But sometimes you’ll realise, as you’re scripting, that a British word probably has a different American word which you can’t quite recall. You might not want to interrupt your writing flow by diving into google at that moment, so best write the British word, pin it as a ‘gooberfruit’ – a word needing US translation – and carry on. You can come back to it later. Derived from the tendency of fresh groceries to go under different names in America; eggplant for aubergine, zucchini for courgette, etc. [via Andy Riley and Kevin Cecil]

Bull – coined by Sid Caesar. A line which diminishes the speaker’s status, against their intent. Example: “I don’t need anybody to help me look stupid.” (Via Paul Foxcroft)

Laying Pipe – this one’s commonly used in America. It means planting the exposition which is necessary for the audience to understand what’s going on. This can be done elegantly; like in Monsters Inc, where the first 15 minutes of the movie lays out a mass of exposition about how the monster world works, but all with scenes which also advance the story and have jokes in. Or it can be done bluntly; like in Looper, where the complex rules of the world are explicitly laid out in voice-over.

Shoe leather – similar to laying pipe.

Crossword clue – a joke based on a brilliant verbal trick or pun… At which nobody laughs. [via David Tyler]

CBA – Meaning “could be anything.” [via Graham Linehan] A joke where a key component is interchangeable with many other options. Many Victoria Wood jokes referencing brand names are CBAs.

Mentoring for a BAME comedy writer is happening again

***UPDATE TO THE BELOW – 31ST OCTOBER 2016 – Midnight tonight is the deadline for samples. I’ve read a lot of the scripts already, but there’s still lots more to go, so I reckon it will be about another week before I make my final selection. When I do, I will inform everybody who has submitted. Thank you!***

***UPDATE TO THE BELOW – 23RD OCTOBER 2016 – about a week left to go to submit a sample; then I’ll draw the shutters down at the end of this month, read everything, and make my decision about a week later.***

I first did this back in February, with the intention of it being a yearly cycle, but I’m starting up a new mentee/mentor cycle earlier than planned. here’s what I’m offering:

A year’s free mentoring, primarily by email, to one comedy writer (or writing partnership) from a BAME background who is/are either at the start of their career or very much wants to be.

I started doing this (an earlier post has the details on that) because the comedy writing business doesn’t represent the ethnic make-up of the UK nearly enough. The first cycle is going very well. I did a twitter-burst to try to gather in as many scripts as I could from people who liked the idea. I got over thirty in the end; some very strong contenders, from which I picked Christine Robertson. Since February, Christine’s been writing for CBBC’s The Dumping Ground, she’s got stuff into development, and she’s landed her first screen credit by writing for the forthcoming series of Walliams and Friend. She’s a very talented writer and it’s all her own work, but I’m proud to have helped her along. I like to think I’ve made a bit of difference.

What with Christine going great guns, I thought: let’s up the tempo. Let’s start a new yearly cycle a bit earlier than planned. I’ve been impatient about this ever since January this year. I’ll tell you precisely why in a moment after I’ve outlined what the scheme is.

It’s modelled on the mentoring programme run by the social mobility foundation, helping bright sixth formers from low-income backgrounds navigate their way into universities and careers. They pair you with a mentee for one year who is interested in getting into whatever area it is you work in. It involves no more than a couple of actual face-to-face meetings, and the rest is done by email. E-mentoring, that’s the clumsy term for it. I’ve been involved with that, and it can work very well, so I adapted that approach.

I’ll read any comedy stuff that the writer/writers send me over twelve month period, and offer notes and advice. I can also be a sounding board, to offer advice in a more general sense about any aspect of the profession. I’ve written comedy this for a couple of decades; I’ve experienced every aspect of the job, from creating sitcoms and films to writing links, sketches and the like. I’ve met with triumph and disaster. I’m a grizzled veteran. Hopefully that’s worth something.

It can only be one person (or a partnership). As well as being a scriptwriter, I’m a cartoonist and a children’s author. That’s obviously too many careers for anyone so I don’t have acres of time. One’s the limit.

Ideally I’d prefer to have at least one face-to-face meeting, as soon as possible, as I’ve found that really helps the mentoring process. I’m based in London, so it may not be practical, depending on where you live. Too much Londoniness is another aspect of the comedy business – I could go on for ages about that – but I’ll do my damnedest to keep this as regionally unbiased as I can.

It’s not an internship. You won’t be helping me with my own work. It’s not a course, with designated work to do, and accreditation at the end. No money will change hands in either direction. It’s all informal. But I think it would be a help to somebody starting off, and when you’re starting off, any help’s a good thing. Breaking into this field is hard – probably harder than it used to be. There’s more competition than ever.

So if you’ve read this far and you’re a BAME comedy writer who likes the sound of it, here’s how it works.

Use the email luckyheathercomic@googlemail.com to send me:

(i) a paragraph or two introducing yourself. You can include any credits or experience you’ve got if you like, or tell me about you’re into what comedy or what sort of thing you like to write, but really you can do this bit however you like. The real meat of it is part two…

(ii) a script sample of your comedy writing work, in PDF, Word, or Final Draft. This could be some sketches, a sitcom script, even something longer – I don’t really mind what or how long, so long as there’s enough to give me a good sense of what you write. But it must be a script or scripts written for TV, film, radio or the stage. I won’t consider anything in the form of blog posts, articles, journalism, or links to YouTube clips. You may well be a great blogger or journalist or performer, but this thing’s all about scriptwriting.

Please put your name and email on the script sample itself (use the headers or footers, or just stick it at the top of page one) so I have everything I need right there if I want to get back to you. Having to refer back to covering emails is fiddly when you’ve got to look at lots of them.

As and when I find something I’m sent that I really like, and makes me go yes, I’d love to read more from this person, I’ll be in touch. I won’t go ahead until I’ve got that feeling.

Some provisos – please read these before you send –

– You must be eighteen or over.

– You should live in the UK or Ireland.

– If you are one of the people sent me stuff in February for the first cycle, who I didn’t take on as a mentee that time, you are absolutely welcome to submit again. Some of the scripts were very good and it quite a finely balanced decision in the end. You can send an entirely new thing, a rewritten version of what you sent before, or the same script again. I’ll leave that up to you. I will read all submissions afresh. Note it’s a different email this time – I’m not using that Yandex one any more.

– I can’t commit to a time scale for the selection part, because I don’t know how many scripts I’ll get. If I get sent loads, that’s more reading, and reading takes time. I don’t have a budget to pay other people to read; it’s all just me. I’ve got to fit this around my own writing, cartooning, and life. So please no follow up emails. Unless your server pinged it back, assume I got the first one. My guess is that I will make my final choice at the start of November.

– I’ll announce on twitter (@andyrileyish) and on this blog when I don’t need any more script samples, and when I’ve found someone for the 12 months.

– Just to restate the key point: this is only open to people from a black/asian/minority ethnic background.

– It’s comedy – so please no drama!

A point I have to cover, because this does come up; when throwing the net wide like this, there’s a chance I’ll be sent something that’s in a similar setting to a project I’m currently developing. This sort of thing is much more common than most people think. In 2010, Kevin Cecil and me got a sitcom on BBC2 and BBC4 about a group of ramblers, called The Great Outdoors. But when we were first selling it a year or two before, the first thing we discovered was that somebody else was coincidentally developing a show from exactly the same premise. Luckily for us we won the rambler-com race and got ours on TV. More recently, we wrote a script called Crashing, then discovered C4 already had a show lined up called Crashing. Not the same premise, that time – but you get the idea. This stuff happens all the time. I’m not going to stop developing a thing I was already doing just because somebody happens to send me a script set in a similar situation. And I’m certainly not going to steal any of your material; professional writers don’t do that. Most likely I’ll stop reading your script as soon as I realise there’s a clash.

You don’t need to read beyond this point, but I’ll fill you in about what jolted me into this mentoring scheme.

Recently I’ve been lucky enough to write/produce for seasons three and four of HBO’s Veep – an absolute Rolls Royce of a sitcom. Last year we won the best sitcom Emmy. That was a terrific night, one of the best. Mel Brooks gave us the award, then he SQUEEZED MY ARM on stage, a moment I shan’t forget. Jan 23rd this year was the Producers’ Guild of America Awards, and I went along as another lovely expenses-paid trip.

It wasn’t nearly as much fun as the Emmys, and not just because we didn’t win (we didn’t). This was in the run-up to the ‘oscarssowhite’ Oscars. Lack of representation was the topic of the hour. Thankfully there were POCs nominated, and winning, too: Shonda Rhimes got the Norman Lear Achievement Award Winner in Television.

But as I looked around me at a huge hall of maybe a thousand fellow producers, something felt very wrong. Not everybody sat in the chairs was white… but it was a hell of a lot more than 63.7%. That’s the proportion of Americans who are non-latino white, according to the 2010 census. I’d put the white figure closer to the 95% mark. Everybody knew this was messed up, and that’s why there was an awkward atmosphere in the room all night. And this, fifty years after the victory of the civil rights movement.

On the plane home I mused that a similar room in the UK wouldn’t be much different. The BAME population of the UK is lower than in America – it’s about thirteen percent here – but you still don’t see that reflected in the film/TV trade. I’m just one freelance guy in the industry, so I don’t have clout like a channel controller or a head of a big prod company, but I realised I can do a little bit more than nothing. Hence all this.

SEND ME YOUR STUFF!

Andy

#comedywritingsowhite, and one thing I’m doing about it

***UPDATE, MARCH 9TH: OK – I now have a mentee for the year. I’ve already contacted everybody who sent something, but if for whatever reason the e-mail didn’t arrive, and you’re reading this to find out you’re the mentee… sorry but not this time. But, assuming the year goes well, I will be repeating the selection process in February 2017. Anyone who submitted this year will be more than welcome to have another crack. Cheers, Andy***

Here’s what I’m offering –

A year’s free mentoring, primarily by email, to one comedy writer (or writing partnership) from a BAME background who is either at the start of their career, or very much wants to be.

And here’s why. Lack of racial diversity in the media is a hot topic. And the media loves hot. Absolutely can’t get enough of the stuff. A thing can never be a big deal, it seems, until it’s a big deal at the Oscars.

I’ll narrow the focus to something I know a lot about, which is comedy writing. I’ve done it since the 1990s. Mostly in Britain, sometimes in America. In both countries, the number of non-white comedy writers doesn’t reflect the make-up of the population, that’s the no-shit-Sherlock headline.

Things are beginning to move a bit in the UK. The BBC have been running the Writers Room scheme for a while. Last year it sprouted the Comedy Room, a sixth month part-time training programme, and the non-white writers number comfortably above thirteen percent – which, says the 2011 census, is the BAME percentage of the UK population. Sky has pledged to have 20% of its writers (on team-written shows, anyway) from a BAME background. That’s a big deal. That’s money. Writers aren’t primarily motivated by money, on the whole; if we were we’d be estate agents. But we need to buy milk and bread like everybody else. The Sky thing will probably affect drama more than comedy, but it’s still important. So: there’s this problem I’ve been fully aware of for ages, and Rupert Murdoch’s been doing more about it than I have. Time to get off my arse.

For the last few years I’ve volunteered as part of a mentoring programme run by the social mobility foundation, helping bright sixth formers from low-income backgrounds navigate their way into universities and careers. You get paired with a mentee for one year, who is interested in getting into whatever area it is you work in. It involves no more than a couple of actual face-to-face meetings, and the rest is done by email. E-mentoring, that’s the clumsy term for it. But it works well. So I’m going to re-tool that approach.

I’ll read any comedy stuff that the writer sends me over twelve month period, and offer notes and advice. I can also be a sounding board, and offer advice in a more general sense about any aspect of the profession. I’ve got a couple of decades of professional experience; I’ve written sitcoms, films, more sketches than I could ever count, a lot of animation, and there’s Baftas and an Emmy on the CV. I’ve got to have some knowledge worth imparting. I hope.

It can only be one person (or a partnership). I’ve got my own scripts to write, books to write, cartoons to draw, so one is my limit. I’d prefer to have at least one face-to-face meeting if it’s practical for both of us – I’m London based – but if it’s not practical that’s fine. No regional bias on this.

It’s not an internship. I won’t be asking anyone to help me with my own work. It’s not any kind of course, with accreditation at the end. And no money will change hands in either direction. It’s all informal. But I think it would be a help to somebody starting off, and when you’re starting off, any help’s a good thing.

So if you’ve read this far and you’re a BAME comedy writer who likes the sound of it – I’ve devised this highly scientific selection process…

Use the email andyriley219@yandex.com to send me:

(i) a paragraph or two introducing yourself. Who you are, what sort of comedy you’re into, credits if you have them, anything else you want to say.

(ii) a script sample of your comedy writing work, in PDF, Word, or Final Draft. This could be some sketches, a sitcom script, even something longer – I don’t really mind what, so long as there’s enough to give me a good sense of what you write. But it must be a script written for TV, film or radio. I won’t consider anything in the form of blog posts, articles, journalism, or links to YouTube clips. You may well be a great blogger or journalist or performer, but the script’s the thing here.

Please put your name and email on the script sample itself, so I have everything I need right there if I want to get back to you.

As and when I find something I’m sent that I really like, and makes me go yes, I’d love to read more from this person, I’ll be in touch. I won’t go ahead until I’ve got that feeling.

Some provisos – please read these before you send –

– You MUST be eighteen or over.

– You should live in the UK or Ireland.

– I can’t commit to a time scale for the selection part, because I haven’t done this before and I have no idea how big or small the response is going to be. If I get sent loads, that’s more reading, and reading takes time. I’m not the BBC, with the budget to pay someone to read; I’m just one feller. I’ve got to fit all this around my own writing, cartooning, and life. So please no follow up emails. Unless your server pinged it back, assume I got the first one.

– I’ll announce on twitter (@andyrileyish) and on this blog when I don’t need any more script samples, and when I’ve found someone for the 12 months.

– A point I have to cover; when throwing the net wide like this, there’s a chance I’ll be sent something that’s in a similar setting to a project I’m currently developing, that may even be quite far along. There are, at any one time, dozens of people working on a sketch about a man arguing with a taxi driver. Or on a sitcom that’s based in a Gregg’s. Or a Wolf Of Wall Street-type financial office. Or an art gallery. I’m not working on any one of those four, but you get the idea. I’m not going to stop developing a thing I was already doing just because somebody happens to send me a script set in a similar situation. And I’m certainly not going to steal any of your material; professional writers don’t do that. Most likely I’ll stop reading your script as soon as I realise.

– People sometimes read blog posts very very fast and miss big things. So I’m going to restate the key point for anybody who hasn’t managed to take it in: this is only open to people from a black/asian/minority ethnic background…

– Comedy! Not drama!

So that’s it. Send me your stuff, and let’s see what happens. If this works, I’ll do it again.

What I’ve learned in 26 years as an Urban Cowboy

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In September 1989 I was hitching through the Rocky Mountains. I was 19. I was in Durango, Colorado: a town I travelled to for the well-thought-out reason that there was a Ramones instrumental I liked called Durango 95. I had a few spare dollars to burn, so I bought a cowboy hat. A proper one, made out of beaver and rabbit fur minced up and turned into felt, not one of your novelty hen night items.

It turned out to be a big style decision for me. When I got back to Britain a month later I kept on wearing the hat. As a teenager I was fascinated by Jon Voight’s character in Midnight Cowboy, Joe Buck. Joe travels from Texas to New York and insists on walking Manhattan dressed for a rodeo. You’re supposed to see his character as hopelessly naive, even delusional. Not a state to aspire to. I got the wrong end of the stick entirely. I loved the romance of moving through one world, but wearing clothes from another.

As the years went by, western wear sprouted all over me; the shirts, the boots, hats and more hats, belt buckles big as a toaster, a fringed jacket which is a bit over the top even for me. I feel comfortable in this stuff, like it’s the way I was always meant to dress. I identify as cowboy, I’m trans-cowboy.

I don’t dress like this all the time. Just quite a lot. For a quarter of a century. Here’s what I’ve discovered.

Twats in the street only ever shout one thing at you. Which is: ‘Yee-haa.’ That’s all they’ve got, ninety five percent of the time. You might walk past thousands of people and nobody says it, but then there’s one twat who does. And being a twat, he thinks he’s the first who ever did, and gets the hump if you don’t react to it. In his mind he’s sniped you up with his Jimmy Carr quip rifle. The other things people say are: ‘Where’s your horse’ (2.4% of the time) and the first bar of the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (2.4% of the time). Any other comments are so rare that decades later I can remember where and when they happened. A favourite was a guy ten years ago who shouted ‘Hey! Toy Story!’

There’s one section of the population who can most be relied on to shout Yee-haa. Rugby lads, city boys in suits. Who else was it going to be?

If you’re going to pick an affectation, make it a practical one. Cowboy hats cool you in the sun, and you don’t notice the rain when you’ve got an umbrella on your head made from beaver pubes.

Snakeskin boots need snakeskin polish. Reptan’s the stuff.

Blokes who want to wear your hat in a nightclub are nearly always arseholes. He’ll get shitty with you for refusing to be a clothes library. It’s a proper hat pal, it’s not from a fucking joke shop. The same arsehole has a worse arsehole friend who thinks it’ll be funny to steal it off your head when your back’s turned, so move away from that group fast.

Women asking to wear your hat - that’s more acceptable.

Cowboy hats always seems to look better on a woman than on me or any other man.

You live in fear of hipsters discovering your thing. There was a moment in 1999/2000 when western wear was a bubbling-under fashion trend. You saw the shirts around a lot more. I was dreading Stetsons mushrooming on skulls all over Hoxton. Madonna, always alert to this sort of thing, did a western-themed video for Don’t Tell Me in 2000. Then the trend blew over, before it reached critical mass. Since then I’ve been safe, what with the hipsters laboriously reworking every British pre-1940 look they could find. We’ve seen London bars full of Edwardian fops and Cyber-Ewan-McColls, but so far no cowpokes.

It’s a look you can wear at any age. It’ll still work when you’re 90. I’m in this for life.

You can take the outfit anywhere. Even the hardest pubs. You’ll be okay. It’s a look which disarms people. Except the city boy twats but enough on them.

You have to really learn to wear the hat. Hayley Campbell noticed that when it’s on, I strut; if I take it off, I’m all normal and shambly. And dancing with the hat and boots is just the best. You can really perform. There’s a whole repertoire of swivels, turns and flamenco stamps that wouldn’t make any sense in trainers and a beanie.

When you meet another man in a cowboy hat you repel each other like the north ends of two magnets. In Wyoming or Arizona, dressing cowboy is bang normal. But wearing the look in London, marking yourself out is the whole point. The last thing you want to see is a guy who had the same idea. He never wants to catch your eye either. But he’s probably going for that gothy-cowboy comic geek look anyway. Luckily it doesn’t happen more than once a year.

Britain’s got a whole lot more tolerant for looks outside the norm. In the early nineties, people gawped sometimes. Now they don’t so much.

Don’t you wear all this stuff. It’s mine, do you hear? All mine!

Andy R

We won at the Emmys

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An astonishing evening last Sunday. I went to the Emmy awards in Los Angeles, as part of the writing team for HBO’s Veep. It won Emmys in four categories: outstanding lead actress in a comedy series, outstanding supporting actor in a comedy series, outstanding writing for a comedy series, and the really big one – outstanding comedy series. For that last one, I was one of the names on the citation so I got to jump on stage with the whole gang, experience the backstage whirlwind of interviews and pictures, and best of all get a shiny Emmy with my name on it to keep forever.

In TV, you can’t get bigger than the Emmys. Not many British people get to win one, but that night a whole load of us did. Although Veep is all about American politics, all the writers have been British (though that’s changing for season five). It was like our club winning the Champions League. It was all such a dizzying swirl I couldn’t give an account of it in order, but a few things stood out:

– When they announced that Mel Brooks was giving out the award, I felt a sudden surge of near-certainty that we would get it. Mel Brooks! It would just be too perfect to not happen.

– Professional reporters can ask pretty stupid questions. One asked Armando Iannucci, the show-running producer, how he felt about depriving Modern Family of what would have been a historic six Emmys in a row. What was he supposed to say? “I feel so guilty that five years of hard work on my show has resulted in this Emmy” or something? He answered this one pretty well, saying he preferred to think of it as the first time Veep had won. But really, come on.

– The trophies themselves have totemic power on the evening. At the HBO after party, there were about 13 statuettes on our table. Together they glowed like a camp fire. We gathered round, grinning and basking in the warmth.

– People love to grab your Emmy and pose with it. A few photographs is okay. But a group of four dicked around with one of Tony Roche’s Emmys for a full quarter of an hour. The urge to swoop in and gather the trophy back becomes strong. Hard-won is an Emmy: you want to keep it close.

– You really want your hand luggage to be searched at the airport, just to give you another excuse to pull the thing out and look at it.

I will calm down at some point and stop thinking about it. But not quite yet. Doesn’t happen every day.

Get a telly. Just get a telly.

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There was a man I was talking to in the pub and he wound me up. It wound me up that he wound me up because he was a lovely guy. Stood his round, thoughtful, conscientious, witty. All you things you want from a friend of a friend in a pub. I had to rein myself in so I didn’t become the bad guy. The problem was that he was occupying a position which is guaranteed to have me gnashing the table.

When he found out I worked in telly, he mused on the fact that he didn’t own one. He had a baby, and wondered if he should expose his kid to TV. If he didn’t, would he be depriving them of something? He was genuinely interested to hear my point of view. Me, I love the telly, because at its best it’s an exciting, enthralling window on the world. But if you don’t see it that way, that’s your personal taste and I won’t argue with it.

Then I discovered: he makes documentaries. For television.

I will not stand for this. No no no. No. I’ve worked in television for 23 years now. Over those years I’ve been astounded by the number of people I’ve met who are established TV professionals, but who feel so little love for the art form that they won’t actually watch any of it. Sometimes they hold it in contempt. Mark Kermode is a film reviewer I always enjoyed. Then in 2007 he wrote this piece explaining how he was watching TV for the first time in years. He’d stopped watching on principle, believing it to be intrinsically inferior to cinema. That’s okay in itself; my problem is that in those years I’d watched him many times as a TV pundit. Television was beneath him, yet he clearly thought it was about the right level for me and millions of others. The Times once printed a spluttering letter I sent concerning one of their writers who celebrated her TV non-ownership – despite sometimes making BBC TV shows funded by licence payers. She’d been told The Office was good; she claimed she never needed to watch it, because she’d heard enough about it to know everything. TV by osmosis.

No, no, no, no no no. Again no. This sort of attitude pops up in the TV industry all too often, and television must not put up with it. If you’re a practitioner, you must be a viewer too. It’s compulsory. No argument.

I have a standard method of reasoning with the TV makers who watch no TV, and I deployed it in the pub. You take the other guy’s position regarding telly, transpose it to another art form, and invite their comment. It doesn’t much matter which art form. They won’t have a leg to stand on.

Say you work in theatre. Would you work with with a playwright who told you he didn’t like plays and never watched them? No.

Would you watch a film by a director who told you she didn’t like movies? No. I bet Mark Kermode wouldn’t either.

You never find musicians who don’t like music, dancers who don’t watch dance, football managers who never see football, painters who never look at paintings. If I was hiring an architect, I wouldn’t pick the one who said “oh, I never look at buildings. I don’t really like them. And I’m not sure I should ever show my child a building in case it corrupts them.”

You don’t hear of people like that because they’d be run out of town. The one art form where they exist is TV. A minority, but there they are, and telly tolerates them. It shouldn’t. Not ever.

Give me telly by people who love it. They make the best stuff. Any interview with Richard Osman will show you his deep fascination with game and quiz shows. That’s why it’s him who brought us the sublime Pointless. When asked what the T stood for, Russell T Davies said the T is for Television. That’s the stuff!

The dedicated non-tv-watchers are compromised now, in a way they weren’t just a few years back. The man in the pub had Netflix, and loved one particular comedy show on it as much as I do. I pointed out that he effectively WAS watching telly, even if he didn’t count it as that. Yet he drew a distinction. That was a show he really wanted to watch, and had sought out. The idea of coming home, turning on the telly, and seeing what was on was utterly alien to him. I asked him what he’d think of an author who simply couldn’t understand the urge to wander into a bookshop and browse the shelves. To his credit, he took the point. He was a good guy. Just holding a ridiculous position. He promised to get a TV.

TV makers mustn’t be meek about this. Don’t let it slide. Have some pride in the art. If people we work with say they don’t watch telly, challenge them. Hold their feet to the flames. Let’s give them one week to start watching. And if they can’t manage that, they should get out of the way and leave it to those of us who do.

How to talk Comedy Writer

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All professions have their own terminology. Comedy writers love to create their own. I asked some writers I know what terms they like to use, and they were pretty eager to tell me. I compiled some of the results here, in a little glossary. Some of these are in common circulation; some are only used by one or two people. At the very least they should give some insight into what the hell it is writers do all day.

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Ruffle – an aspect of a joke (a name, or reference) which is getting in the way and making things less clear. In the script editing process for the BBC2 comedy ‘Whites’, there was a reference to a character called Jamie, which made you think of Jamie Oliver. That was a ruffle, so it went. [Via Simon Blackwell]

Bicycle cut – aka the bicycle joke, or a “Last Of The Summer Wine.” A character ends a scene by firmly stating that they will not do a certain thing. The next scene begins with that character doing that thing. Roy Clarke wrote tons of these for Compo in Last of the Summer Wine. “You’re not getting me in that thing with wheels and no brakes!” Cut to Compo, at the top of a Yorkshire hill, poised to go downhill in that thing with wheels and no brakes. [via Graham Linehan]

Gilligan cut – a common American term for the bicycle cut. Derived from ‘Gilligan’s Island.’ The term Gilligan cut is never used in the UK because Gilligan’s Island has never been shown there.

Chutney – stuff that characters are saying in the background, which you don’t normally add into the script until very late because it’s not material which needs jokes. Writing for Veep, chutney often takes the form of perfectly serviceable political speeches, while the real funny material is going on amongst other characters in the foreground. I don’t know if this term exists outside the Veep/Thick Of It writing team.

Scud – a joke that ends up getting the wrong target. E.g. “the energy companies have done some truly appalling things– one of them based itself in Newport.” The punchline is saying that Newport is shit, and not saying anything about the energy companies. Named after the outdated and inaccurate Soviet missile used by Iraq during the 1991 Gulf war. [Via Pete Sinclair]

Two Sock – when you find yourself using two jokes/motivations/expositions, when only one is necessary. [via Kieron Quirke]

Fridge – the piece of paper, noticeboard, book or computer file where you put the jokes you cut for whatever reason, but which may work in another time and place. ‘Fridge’ came from Gareth Edwards, are lots of writers have different names for the same thing. Sarah Morgan has a ‘bottom drawer.’ Dave Cohen has a ‘shoebox.’ Greg Daniels calls it ‘the sweetie bag.’ When writing “In The Loop,” Tony Roche, Simon Blackwell and Jesse Armstrong called theirs ‘the fun bucket.”

The restaurant on the corner – (American) – a bit in a script where no matter what joke you put there, it’s still never quite works. I’ve also seen this called a ‘Bono’, after a restaurant opened by Sonny Bono in Burbank, California. It shut quickly, as did every other restaurant which opened on the same spot. Writers working nearby decided the corner must be cursed. If you have a Bono in a script, it will be a gradual realisation, because it always feels like something SHOULD work there, and you might try a dozen or more things before the truth dawns. You can only deal with a Bono by taking apart and rebuilding a larger section around it – probably the whole scene, maybe even a bit more. [via Dave Cohen]

Killing kittens – removing jokes which you really love, because they’re getting in the way of the story. [Chris Addison]. Also known as “stripping the car.” [Joel Morris]

Bucket – strong, simple idea to contain all the nonsense you want to put in. “Parody of air disaster film” is a great bucket. [Joel Morris]. Not related to ‘fun bucket.’

Oxbow Lake – the rewriting process produces these. A bit in a script which used to have some plot/character importance, but as the story has changed around it, no longer has a purpose. You have to remove it on the next draft. Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong use this term. Me and Kevin Cecil call them ‘hangovers.’

Rabbit hole – a fact you check on the Internet and that’s the rest of the morning gone. [John Finnemore]

Joke impression – a line that sounds like a joke, and has the rhythms of a joke, but isn’t actually a joke. Also known as “hit and run” or “Jokoid [John Vorhaus, from his very good primer “The Comic Toolbox”]. A joke impression has its uses. When you are thundering down a first draft, and are more concerned about the overall structure than individual jokes, you can slot in a few joke impressions at spots in the script where a good joke is hard, in the full knowledge you can come back later and fix them. I’ve been told of a more aggressive use for them too. I was told that when Jim Davidson has one of his joke writers in the audience, he picks out one joke which is clearly a dud, a joke impression, and tells the writer he’s going to deliver it anyway and make the audience laugh – even though it doesn’t make any sense. The subtext: Jim is saying “I’m the one who brings the magic, not you.”

Fridge joke – related to joke impression. The audience realise they laughed at something that didn’t actually make sense, but 10 minutes after the event. (via David Tyler)

Gerbeau – a joke that literally nobody but you is going to get, but it does no damage, so it stays in. Derived from “please yourself,” which shortens to “P .Y.”, Which then becomes Gerbeau after PY Gerbeau, the guy who ran the millennium dome. The term Gerbeau is itself a nice example of a Gerbeau. [Via Joel Morris]

Plotential – and the idea or situation which has the potential to be developed into a full-blown plot. As in “does this idea have potential?” [via Sam Bain – though he doesn’t stress that he and Jesse Armstrong are mostly taking the piss when they say this in conversation]

Nokamura – I read this online once but haven’t been able to relocate the page. The most nightmarish of writer’s problems. It’s when there’s a huge issue with a script which effectively means that the whole thing is holed below the waterline, and should be junked. This derives from the Cheers writing team, who once hinged a storyline on the highly doubtful premise that the surname ‘Nokamura’ was intrinstically hilarious. Come the day of the record, the studio audience sat silently through all the Nokamura material. The writing team knew it was a dud. They had about 24 hours to rewrite the entire episode with a new central idea, in time for the second studio record the next day. This thing of having two studio records for one episode, giving the team a day to sharpen the jokes based on the audience reaction the day before, is well established in US studio audience comedy. It’s also a very expensive luxury unavailable to British shows with their smaller budgets. To my knowledge, the only British show to ever enjoy this perk was Victoria Wood’s dinnerladies.

Nunya – a work at an embarrassingly unready stage. If anybody asks about it, you say “nunya business.”

Cut and Shut – a term borrowed from the motor trade (welding two halves of two cars together). This refers to a conceit which is essentially to normally incompatible ideas, bolted together. An example: Big Train’s cattle auction, where they are not cattle, they are new romantics. (via Jason Hazeley)

Frankenstein draft – a script that suffers over time from bolting on too many slavishly implemented notes.

Frankenstein (verb) – Joining already-written scenes together in a highly inelegant way. You know it’s not pretty, but it’s a temporary tool which might give you some idea how the completed sequence might work. Frankensteining is very common when writing animated movies, in which the scripting is often done alongside storyboarding. [Andy Riley]

Pitcheroo – anything which reads well in a pitch document or story outline, which you know won’t quite hold water when you are writing the actual script. But very handy if you’re up against it time wise, and you need to convey what it is you’re intending to write, but you haven’t got the hours to crack every single story beat. An example might be “They escape from the party, and then…” How do they escape from the party? Won’t they need an excuse, or will they climb out the window? Who knows? You know you’ll need to cover that in the end, but so long as it’s followed up with a funny idea in the second half of that sentence, you can get away with it for now. Because most people read pitches and story outlines much too fast, effective pitcheroos are never spotted. [Andy Riley/Kevin Cecil]

Bull – coined by Sid Caesar. A line which diminishes the speaker’s status, against their intent. Example: “I don’t need anybody to help me look stupid.” (Via Paul Foxcroft)

Laying pipe – this one’s commonly used in America. It means planting the exposition which is necessary for the audience to understand what’s going on. This can be done elegantly; like in Monsters Inc, where the first 15 minutes of the movie lays out a mass of exposition about how the monster world works, but all with scenes which also advance the story and have jokes in. Or it can be done bluntly; like in Looper, where the complex rules of the world are explicitly laid out in voice-over.

Shoe leather – similar to laying pipe.

Crossword clue – a joke based on a brilliant verbal trick or pun… At which nobody laughs. (via David Tyler)

CBA – Meaning “could be anything.” [via Graham Linehan] A joke where a key component is interchangeable with many other options. “I was kissing him but all I could think of was which pocket my tic tacs were in.” The tic tacs are a CBA, as is the pocket. Many Victoria Wood jokes referencing brand names are CBAs.

M.G.I.C.B.T.M.T. or how I got someone to make me a ten foot monolith

Me and my Monolith

One of the best things about being a scriptwriter is walking on to the set. For so long, you’re visualising a place in three dimensions as you spend months shuffling around characters, plots, ideas. You get so used to it being an imaginary place, existing only in your head, that it’s a tremendous psychic jolt when it actually gets built and you step into it for the first time. Your mind goes: My God! I Can’t Believe They Made That!

I’ve done this job for quite a few years, so arranging a few sofas and chairs in a living room set doesn’t quite shock me any more. Now that I’m writing for Veep I’m seeing the American budgets make big American things and the MGICBTMT effect is stunning again. Last year on season three on show, Kevin Cecil and me co-wrote an episode called ‘Clovis,’ named after the imaginary silicon valley company that Selina Meyer and her team visit. I worked out the entire rationale of what it would be called that. It’s named after the Clovis point, kind of flint spear tip found over much of North America, dating from about 15,000 years ago. Clovis the company would themselves say: “just as those early settlers of America designed a universal tool for their civilisation, we are designing the new universal tools for ours.” I knew this would never make it into the show because it didn’t have jokes it. But I was enjoying being intellectually rigourous about the whole thing. I passed these thoughts on to the director to pass onto the art department.

When I got on the set, I was imagining there might be a couple of posters stuck to the wall featuring a Clovis point on them somewhere. What I was NOT expecting was a huge clovis-shaped megalith for the characters to walk past. I was beside myself with glee. You’ve never seen someone get so excited by a big assembly of wood, wire, plastic and paint.

The monolith barely features in episode itself.  And an even madder thing didn’t feature in the episode at all. It was set in San Francisco, but filmed in Maryland, so to make the whole thing look more Californian, four palm trees were uprooted from a much warmer east coast (somebody told me South Carolina), loaded on a truck, driven up the coast, and inserted into the ground for just one day. I’ve never seen full size trees moving for television before. The trees didn’t make the edit.

I love big sets. It’s such a treat. And in more reflective moments I consider the carbon footprint. But it’s such a fun way to destroy the world.

‘Passion’ and writing

Elegant flamenco

Part of the comedy writer’s job is to spot the buzz words and cliches of the age, and either avoid them, or use them in a very particular way; by putting them in the mouths of your most (intentionally) annoying characters. If there is a character in a show who tells everyone to chillax, or talks about things “going forward”, The chances are it’s the one that the writer/writers wanted us to feel irritated by.

There is one word which has been so overused for so long that I’m constantly surprised it hasn’t attracted more flak. It deserves some. It’s “Passion.”

Hotels always seem to have a passion for service. Delicatessens boast of their passion for food. Job interviewees are ordered to bring along their passion for coffee, or communication, or learning, or innovation, or excellence. Passion, passion, passion. As soon as you notice the word you see it everywhere. It’s the ultimate cure-all. When you have passion, apparently, everything is solved. And of course it gets applied in my job. Time and again aspiring writers are told that they need to have a passion for it.

Well what’s wrong with that? You might ask.  Passion has to be a good thing. It can be – but we’ve got to understand what it is and what its limits are. People love to talk about passion because bestowing “passion” on anything is deliberately invoking the imagery of sex. And sex is sexy.  Passion is a dark-eyed flamenco dancer with fabulous dress and a rose between her teeth. Who wouldn’t want her around?

Passion, as we now use the word, is a child of the 60s. It’s about the fulfilment of your personal emotions. So long as you are serving your own needs in this way, you’re bound to be on the right path, or so the narrative goes.

Passion certainly has its uses in writing. It’s probably what got you into in the first place. When you are gripped by a new idea and you simply can’t scribble it down fast enough because of the possibilities racing through your head, that’s passion. Great. But there’s a problem: passion is a state of high emotional arousal. Nobody can live like that all the time. What do you do when you’re a couple of months into working on that project, and you still aren’t sure what the ending is yet, and one of the characters still isn’t working, and it’s all become heavy going? Perhaps that passion is flagging. Perhaps it’s gone. Perhaps it’s working against you – and you passionately want to throw it all out and go and play in the sunshine.  That’s when you need something more powerful than passion.

Here’s where I reach for the words of Daniil Kharms. Kharms was an absurdist writer in revolutionary Russia. He wrote unhinged little stories, many just a paragraph long. He founded an art movement called Oberiu which turned out slogans like “Art is a cupboard!” and “we are not cakes!” As Stalinism tightened its grip, you couldn’t get away with this sort of thing any more, and eventually Kharms was interned by the NKVD. He died of starvation in a prison during the siege of Leningrad.  So there’s no doubting his dedication to his art. Amongst a small collection now entitled “the blue notebook”, because that’s what he happened to write it in, he put down this luminous aphorism:

To have only intelligence and talent is too little. One must also have energy, real interest, clarity of thought and a sense of obligation.

When I came across this a few years ago, it struck me as a great set of guidelines to writing. I would argue that the last item on the list is the most important.

Sense of Obligation. Like duty, or responsibility, it’s not an easy sell. It sounds like such a drag. It speaks to us from the pre-1960s era when people were burdened with the task of thinking about things that weren’t themselves. Obligation is Passion’s slightly frumpy sister. Doesn’t get as much interest from the boys. Goes out to milk the cows and dig the ditches while Passion fusses over her toenails. She’s not nearly as sexy as Passion. But by god she’ll get the job done, long after Passion has declared herself too tired, dashed her fan to the ground and stomped off in her big shoes.

This sense of obligation – a flinty, bloody-minded determination to get the job done regardless of anything, because, well, we’ve just got to – is a trait shared by just about every professional comedy writer I know. In the end, that’s what you need just as much as Passion to get you over the line.

So by all means be passionate in your writing. But if you are still writing when the great muse passion has stood you up – then you’re a proper writer. And don’t worry, Passion will come back. She always does in the end.

Uncle is out!

uncle me

I posted about this earlier in the year; now d-day has come. My friend Marcus Gipps, who in his day job is a publisher at Gollancz books, decided to be a publisher in his spare time as well. He’s collected together all six books in the Uncle series by J.P. Martin. These are an extraordinary series of children’s novels which first appeared in the 60s and 70s but have since fallen out of print. However, they have picked up a strong cult following in the intervening years. Marcus tells me that cheaply produced copies of the last couple of novels have changed hands for hundreds of pounds.

Marcus’s “The Complete Uncle” is a beauty of book – cloth binding, all the original Quentin Blake illustrations scanned in afresh, and additional material from Neil Gaiman, Martin Rowson, Will Self, Richard Ingrams, JustinPollard, Garth Nix, Kate Summerscale and (I think you’ll see what I’m building up to here) Andy Riley. I’m drawn Uncle, the elephant who is the main character of the books, as I see him.

Most copies have already been sent out to the backers of Marcus’s kickstarter, but there’s a few left over for general retail. These are being sent out to Waterstones, British Amazon, and some independent bookshops too. These six books are some of the most beautifully imaginative and funny fiction I’ve read in ages.

here’s where to find out more about uncle…

and here’s a link to buy a copy (at a very nice price)